Meet Me At The Blue Diamond
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer and Lana's date takes a weird turn when they run into their weird friends.


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has once again has gone to a bar. This takes place very shortly after the events of Mallory And Ron Hit The Town.**

 **Meet Me At The Blue Diamond **

Ray cautiously sipped his scotch on the rocks as he sat at a fairly well lit bar in downtown LA. He had decided that it was past time that he find a new watering hole to unwind at in his new home. However, none of the places he had visited that night had struck a chord with him.

So he ended up here, at a place called The Blue Diamond. It seemed like a nice casual restaurant with a bar. So he went to the bar to have a few drinks. It was sparsely populated so he felt that he could drink in peace and try to think about his life.

Well that was the plan.

"I told you it was him," Archer's voice cut through his thoughts.

"Son of a bitch," Ray whispered under his breath before turning around. He saw Archer and Lana walking up to him.

"Hey Ray," Lana sighed.

"What the hell are you two doing here?" Ray asked.

"We were supposed to go to this Italian place I heard about, which apparently serves great veal," Archer said as he sat next to Ray. "But as soon as we got there we saw Mother in a screaming match with some people."

"Not to mention Ron and everyone else from work there," Lana added as she sat on Ray's other side. "I think Cyril had a date. And Krieger was on a date. With Mitsuko."

"Short version we got out of there before anyone saw us or could associate us with those people," Archer groaned.

"And before your mother saw you with Lana as your date," Ray added.

"I don't know why she was there in the first place," Archer grumbled. "She rarely eats Italian when she goes out."

"Odds are they're all going to get thrown out and banned from the restaurant anyway," Lana admitted. "We'll go back in a couple weeks. Anyway we went looking for another place to eat and we decided to try this place."

"This isn't a gay bar is it?" Archer looked around.

"No, it's a regular restaurant," Ray gave him a look. "I was trying out a few places to see where I could feel…comfortable. Haven't found a place yet."

"I get it," Archer nodded. "You're looking for your new watering hole. That's a big thing."

"Said the man who anywhere in the world that serves alcohol is his watering hole," Ray gave him a look.

"True but some places are more fun than others," Archer admitted. "Like Crammers. I liked that place. Classy but not pretentious. The strippers were high quality but didn't act like snobs. A lot of them were single moms so you knew they had some integrity. And if you lost all your money you didn't feel bad about it. Like it went to a good cause."

"God if business doesn't pick up I may have to end up doing that," Lana groaned.

"Ditto," Ray rolled his eyes.

"It's not going to come to that," Archer told her. "More likely we'll turn to crime first before you go stripping."

"Oh God you're right," Lana groaned. "Oh God that's because we **have** done that before!"

"Way to cheer us up Archer," Ray grumbled. "Look I'm going to head on out. You two enjoy your night."

"Ray, no you don't have to go…" Lana protested as Ray got up to leave.

"Yeah stay with us buddy," Archer said. "We can make it a threesome."

"Phrasing," Lana and Ray said giving Archer a look.

"I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth…" Archer groaned.

"No, I'll let you get back to your date," Ray said. "You know the saying, two's company. Three's…"

"A threesome," Archer quipped. "Damn it! Phrasing again!"

"Look I appreciate the offer…" Ray began.

"Then take it," Archer said. "Don't worry about intruding. Lana and I had a quickie before we got to the first restaurant. And seeing my mother emasculate someone else instead of me, while usually an enjoyable sight didn't give me the high I expected. So it's going to be a while before I get back in the mood anyway…"

"I don't want to intrude on your privacy," Ray waved.

"Ray, we all slept together naked on the Mountain of Death," Lana gave him a look. "I think we've all gone beyond privacy."

"That was just sleep-sleep," Archer corrected. "Not sex sleep. But yeah you're right Lana, that is the right terminology. She does have a point. The three of us together have gone through more shit together than most people do."

"That we have…" Ray let out a breath. He really didn't feel like being alone right now.

Archer went on. "I know you don't want to admit it but you've been having some mild PTSD attacks."

"How the…?" Ray did a double take. "Did Pam blab her big ass mouth again?"

"I kind of already had an inkling before she told me," Archer admitted. "You know? You've had a couple of mental breakdowns way before we came to LA?"

"Dukes…" Ray groaned. "It's no big deal I just…Sometimes I just get a little…jumpy."

"Which means you have trouble sleeping at night which means you're a total bitch the next day," Archer rolled his eyes. "So stop thinking of excuses and just accept already!"

"I guess it couldn't hurt to hang out for a few hours," Ray sighed as he got back on the bar stool. "But you're buying Archer."

"Why? I…" Archer began but stopped when Lana looked at him. "Okay fine!"

"Good," Ray smirked and signaled the bartender for some drinks.

"Just a soda for me," Lana told the bartender.

"You're still breastfeeding?" Ray asked.

"No, but I feel like at least **one** of us should be **sober** tonight," Lana gave him a look.

"It's not like I drove," Ray admitted as he got a drink. "I took a cab and I've been walking around the neighborhoods."

"So all those gay bars were close to each other?" Archer asked.

"Yup," Ray nodded.

"And none of them were any good?" Lana asked.

"I looked at a four places but none of them was right for me," Ray explained. "The first place seemed way too uptight. Gave me weird looks because of my glove so I skedaddled out of there quick. The second place never even heard of Gleengooile Blue so that was out…"

"Smart choice," Archer nodded.

"The third place turned out to be an Ohio University watering hole," Ray snorted with distain. "No way in hell I was going to stay **there**. And then I got discouraged so I came here for just a drink."

"Wait you said four places," Lana realized. "That's only three."

"There was this other place I heard about called Cathedral," Ray remarked. "They converted an old church into a bar. But it turns out there was a riot there a few nights ago and it closed down so…"

"Speaking of riots…" Lana saw something. "I don't **believe** this…"

"HEY!" Pam called out cheerfully as she walked in with Cheryl, Krieger and Mitsuko. "You guys are here!" With the exception of Mitsuko, they were all covered in food stains.

"Good to see you guys!" Krieger said cheerfully.

"All crazy gaijin are here!" Mitsuko twittered. "Yay!"

"What are we a freaking herd?" Ray barked. "When one of us goes out, **everybody else** has to follow that person?"

"Did Krieger put a tracking device on us or something?" Lana looked in shock. "How do they keep finding us!"

"I so get why you wanted to check out places alone," Archer told Ray. "Do I even want to know why you idiots are covered in food?"

"Cheryl started a food fight in a restaurant," Pam explained.

"Nuh-uh!" Cheryl protested. "Ms. Archer did when she threw that soda at that secretary wife!"

"Do I really want to know?" Archer sighed. "Or is there a video camera the police are going to use for evidence?"

"Eh I didn't bring my recording device," Krieger shrugged. "I should have though. Always something you forget when you leave the lab."

"We all went out to eat and spy on Cyril and his stupid date but she fell asleep," Cheryl explained. "Then Ms. Archer and Ron came and saw this guy she knows and got into a fight with…"

"Yada, yada, yada…We're banned from another place," Krieger finished.

"Yeah that's how these things usually go," Archer shrugged.

"So what are you doing here Ray? Spying on the lovebirds?" Pam cracked.

"No!" Ray snapped.

"We came in after Ray," Lana explained. "He was here first."

"How do you people know where we are at all times?" Archer barked. "Krieger you'd better not put a tracking device on us!"

"I didn't put a device **on you**!" Krieger got defensive. "I think it's a long term side effect from the Krieger Kleanse."

"The **what?** " Lana barked.

"Wait neither Lana nor Mr. Archer took that drug that made us see all those hallucinations!" Cheryl remembered.

"Well uh, not directly like you guys did," Krieger coughed.

"Hallucinations?" Lana did a double take. "Wait a minute…Something's coming back to me…"

"Yeah…" Archer realized. "Me too…"

FLASHBACK TO A SPY AGENCY LONG AGO…

"Lana! Lana! LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Archer shouted. He was naked and hiding under a desk in the bullpen. "Run Lana! Run! There are cyborg ocelots everywhere!"

"Not now Archer!" Lana was in her black bra and panties banging on the floor. "I have to save this rainbow from dying! LIVE RAINBOW! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVEEE!"

"Oh God! Oh God will those damn dogs stop barking already?" Cyril was crouched on top of a desk, naked looking very harried. "WILL SOMEONE PUT A MUZZLE ON THOSE DAMN DOGS?"

"They're not dogs! They're ocelots!" Archer yelled. "Oh god! Now they're teaming up with the cyborg alligators! AAAAHHH!"

"Will you idiots shut up and help me go kill this damn leprechaun!" Mallory was heard screaming from her office. "DIE YOU IRISH BASTARD! DIE!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"STOP DOING THAT STUPID DANCE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!" Mallory screamed.

"WHY ARE ALL THE RAINBOWS DYING?" Lana screamed as she knelt on the floor crying.

"SCREW THE RAINBOWS WOMAN!" Cyril shouted. "LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE THE DAMN DOGS GET HERE!"

"IT'S OCELOTS AND ALLIGATORS ASSHOLE!" Archer shouted.

"WHATEVER!" Cyril shouted. "LET'S JUST RUN!"

"RUN! RUN YOU BASTARDS RUN!" Mallory screamed as she shot up her office.

FLASHFORWARD…

"Oh God that was the weekend the water supply was contaminated!" Lana remembered. "And we all…Krieger you drugged us all up for one of your stupid experiments?"

"Not on purpose!" Krieger protested. "There was an accident!"

"Hold on! Wait a minute!" Archer snapped. "Neither Mother nor I drank any water…"

"Uh no," Krieger coughed. "Turns out you don't need to drink Krieger Kleanse directly for the chemicals to get into your system. All you had to do was wash your hands or…No, that's pretty much it."

"You said it was a plot by the KGB!" Archer shouted.

"Well obviously I lied!" Krieger rolled his eyes. "Any-who, I think there may be some kind of chemical bonding that occurred between all of us. Similar to the brain chemistry of a homing pigeon. Or we just all spend so much time together that we are just starting to think alike. I won't really know until I dissect one of your brains and…"

"STOP!" Ray held up his non-bionic hand. "Just stop right **there**!"

"Before we strangle you right **there**!" Archer snapped.

"No brain dissecting of co-workers!" Lana snapped. "God I can't believe I had to tell you that **again!** "

"This explains a lot about us," Pam groaned. "A little too much…"

"So is Cyril bringing up the rear as usual?" Archer looked around.

"Nah Cyril had to drive your mother and Ron home," Pam explained.

"Their tires got stolen!" Cheryl laughed. "And Ron blames your mother and vice versa!"

"Great. I get to know what Mother will be complaining about all day tomorrow," Archer groaned.

"Well we might as well all have a drink since Archer's buying," Ray waved.

"All right! WHOO HOO! Yay! So happy! Now you're talking!" The others cheered.

"No wait!" Archer protested. "I said…"

"You promised you were going to pay," Ray said smugly. "And now you're going to pay!"

"Asshole," Archer grumbled.

"Oh relax Archer," Lana smirked. "Look at it this way, it's cheaper than paying bail."

"The night is still young," Pam reminded her as the others took their places at the bar. "Speaking of which, hey bartender! A round of scotch while we're all young!"

"Yeah! Let's get plastered!" Cheryl said cheerfully as they got their drinks.

"To the Figgis Agency!" Pam raised a glass in toast. "May it make us a few bucks before it all goes down in flames!"

"It's not going to go down in flames," Archer told her.

"That's what you said about being a drug dealer," Ray grumbled.

"No, I said being a drug dealer would be easy," Archer corrected.

"Which it wasn't," Ray added.

"I said being an arms dealer won't go down in flames," Archer added.

"Which it did," Ray gave him a look. "Literally."

"Not _literally_ ," Archer waved.

"Yeah, **literally** …" Ray told him.

"How did being an arms dealer literally go down in flames?" Archer snapped.

"When the god damn CIA and the Navy blew up the entire country of San Marcos back into the Stone Age?" Ray gave him a look.

"Oh right," Archer remembered. "It was literally. I apologize. You were right."

"I just hope this detective agency doesn't end like San Marcos," Lana groaned. "Or our spy careers."

"How would that happen?" Archer asked her.

"We never know. That's part of the fun," Lana said sarcastically. "But if there was a way for our detective agency to literally blow up in our faces, we'd find it."

"You think?" Cheryl asked cheerfully.

"And you wonder why I no like **your friends**?" Mitsuko gave Krieger a look.

"What do **you** care?" Cheryl snapped. "You're made of light particles. You can't get blown up!"

"Trust me," Krieger took a drink. "I've tried."

"Can't you just blow up her motherboard or whatever computer she's programmed on?" Cheryl asked.

"It's not that simple…" Krieger explained. "And I have. Practically every night."

"Krieger-san programmed me with high quality artificial intelligence," Mitsuko explained. "And the ability to copy my data in any computer I want! Including computer systems all over the world! Suck on that bitch!"

"Should I be worried about that?" Archer asked Krieger.

"Depends," Krieger shrugged. "How do you feel about random dance parties with Japanese Pop music and Just Dance routines?"

"So it's not exactly a cyborg apocalypse that wants to enslave or destroy mankind," Archer asked casually.

"Not even close," Krieger waved.

"Oh well then never mind," Archer waved as he took another drink.

"Honestly at this point I'd be happy with a gay cyborg bar," Ray groaned as he took a drink.

"What would **that** be called?" Lana asked.

Pam thought for a moment. "Cy-Boys On Boys?"

"CPU-Later?" Krieger suggested.

"I'll Be Bareback!" Pam added.

"8 Man Mile?" Archer tried one.

"Fister Roboto!" Krieger added.

"Metallo's Man Cave!" Cheryl added.

"Terminator Sex!" Archer added.

"That sounds more like a robot dinosaur," Ray said. "How about Man and Machine?"

"Oh like a play on the show Mann and Machine," Pam realized. "It works."

"Dr. No-No," Krieger added.

"Brokeback Motherboard?" Mitsuko suggested.

"Good one," Pam admitted.

"What about this?" Archer tried another one. "Basic Cable! Get it? Cable? From the X-Men? He's a cyborg!"

"A cyborg mutant but yeah…" Krieger shrugged. "Sounds more like a talk show however. Not sexy enough."

"Damn it," Archer grumbled. "You're right."

"Queen Titans!" Ray spoke up.

"Oh yeah! That fits!" Cheryl agreed.

"Because they have a character named Cyborg and…" Archer realized. "That is good!"

"Just what every woman wants to hear on her date," Lana sighed. "Names for fictional gay cyborg bars."

"Well you can't say we ever run out of things to talk about," Archer chucked.

"That's what I'm worried about," Lana gave him a look. "Never running out of crazy things to talk about! My hope is that at some point in the future it will stop."

"Don't hold your breath," Ray snorted. "Speaking of which do y'all think we are ever going to get any clients at all?"

"It's been less than two months Ray," Lana said. "You need to give a new business a chance."

"I know that but…" Ray sighed. "Don't get me wrong. I'm on board with this whole private eye thing. It's just…"

Cheryl interrupted. "You're afraid that you'll get paralyzed again after a huge incident that leads to us getting into major trouble with a side of disaster and death."

"Yeah that's pretty much it," Ray admitted.

"Not like we haven't noticed a pattern," Cheryl rolled her eyes as she took a drink.

"Ray don't worry about it," Archer said. "One Krieger is just going to fix you up like he always does. Two…This detective business is going to be easy."

"Just like you thought being a spy was easy," Lana gave him a look. "Or selling cocaine. Or being an arms dealer. Or a pirate king…"

"You wanted to be a private eye too!" Archer pointed out.

"I was being practical," Lana said. "Trying to be realistic about what jobs would suit us and our particular set of skills. Being a private investigator just makes the most sense. Considering…"

"Considering what?" Archer asked.

"Face it Archer," Lana said. "You're a blacklisted ex-spy from the CIA and an agency that was never legally sanctioned in the first place. Basically your entire career is going from one cockamamie scheme after the other."

"Uh Lana…?" Ray coughed. "You know…?"

"Oh dear God," Lana realized. "I'm a blacklisted ex-spy from the CIA and an agency that was never legally sanctioned in the first place. My entire career has been basically one cockamamie scheme after another."

"Ha! Ha!" Cheryl giggled.

"All the more reason we need to have faith in this new agency despite the name," Archer said. "I have a good feeling about this."

"You said that just before we took off to San Marcos," Ray gave him a look.

"And things turned out pretty well!" Archer barked. "You didn't even get paralyzed on that trip!"

"That's true," Ray admitted. "And you ran away screaming like a little girl when you found out you were a Daddy."

"Also true," Lana gave him a look.

"Hey look!" Mitsuko pointed. "On TV! Very exciting!"

"Just what LA needs," Ray remarked as the image of a car racing down a highway was shown. "Another car chase."

"I don't think they're going to get too far," Pam scoffed. "That guy drives like a pussy!"

"Whoa look at that spin out!" Archer gasped as he watched.

"Told you," Pam snorted. "Hugged the curb too tight. Rookie mistake."

"HA! It just crashed into another car!" Cheryl laughed.

"Is it me or does that car look familiar?" Ray asked.

"It's not you. Is that **Cyril's** car?" Lana's jaw dropped.

"I think it is," Archer was stunned. "Oh my God! It **is!** "

"Holy Smokey and the Bandit Snacks!" Pam called out. "Now the other driver is getting out of the car and trying to attack Cyril!"

"Now Ms. Archer is attacking the guy who attacked Cyril!" Krieger gasped. "Whoa! Look at that right hook!"

"Why would she do that?" Archer asked. "Defend Cyril I mean…"

"I think after the night she had she needs to blow off some steam," Pam shrugged. "And let's face it, Cyril has been used as a punching bag so often…"

"That he's more like a bean bag," Archer finished. "Hitting him won't feel as satisfying."

WHAM!

"Of course watching Cyril get knocked out by an accidental hit of Mother's is pretty satisfying," Archer laughed as he saw Cyril get hit.

"Ooh! That's a bad hit to the groin," Krieger winced.

"The good news is I don't think the cops will charge your mother with anything," Pam remarked. "She could claim self-defense."

"Wow she's being so brutal even the LAPD are nervous," Krieger pointed.

"This has been fun night," Lana groaned. "Sorry Archer. I guess our date didn't go as planned."

"Are you kidding?" Archer laughed. "I think this has become one of the best dates we ever had!"


End file.
